Here I am, once again... and no, I'm not torn into pieces. But I have come to realize that I have been carrying this huge burden of stress that I did not even realize until today!
Things have been slowly building up on me. I am struggling in my Calculus class, my camera is officially broken (may it rest in peace), and I honestly feel like I am being constantly kicked down by the world. Maybe my perspective on things are distorted, and that very well may be the case. But despite of that possibility, I find myself staring down at my feet and wondering why I am feeling so overwhelmed by... well, everything.
Anyways, today I broke down and just started crying over my homework (I tend to cry a lot!) because it made no sense to me. At all. I wanted to crumple it up and not even bother with it. I have been so tired of feeling like I am always wrong, specially in math! I want to be right and know that I am. I want that confidence of knowing that I'm doing good.
I have been so tempted to try and do things by performance; not only that, but finding value in people that I cherish as well. I want to look good and do well and have people tell me, "wow, Shana, you are doing such a great job." I love to make people happy. I love to know that people are rooting for me and appreciate what I am doing. But when I do that, I am setting myself up for a HUGE fall. No person in this world is perfect. When I lean upon a person's opinion of me, I'm going to be crushed when they are correcting or critical. I'm not saying that I should never listen a person's correction, because that is stupidity (Prov. 12:1)! But what I am saying is that I need to find my value in God. And it is very easy to slip up when you trust the opinion of your friends. So many times I have felt devalued because a person I love has told me I am not doing something right. That's not just because I am relying on their opinion on me. It is also because I am not depending on God's grace. When I am in tune with the love that God has lavished on me, I find myself so much less stressed out about things. God doesn't want me jumping through hoops so that He can applaud me and I can be content with His approval. God already approves of me, even though I mess up all of the time!
I suppose that I am typing all of this out to remind myself that God really does love me. He cares about me. He wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy. It surprises me how many times I lose sight of this. I think many other people do as well. But I don't have to work my tail off to make God happy. Not only that, but I don't need the acceptance of anyone else. And when I'm relying on God' strength and what He's done for me, all of my stress is washed away.
Saturday
9/27/08 - change
Alas, I have returned to blogging! I must admit that I missed it immensely. It was, at one point, an everyday thing I did. Now here I am, making a public post about my thoughts over a year later.
My life in the past couple of months have been... adventurous, to say the least. God has been doing a lot with me. I am being transformed into this leader that I never thought I would or could be. Where, at points in my life, I was always someone's "sidekick" or hid in someone's shadow, God is calling me to be so much more than that. And I must admit that it is extremely frightening. People are going to be following my example... and that can be an incredible pressure. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "how can I even do this?"
At times, especially in the past, I have been a lot like Moses. I look at myself and say, "but God! How can I do this? I'm terrible at speaking!" Or I make up other excuses. "God! No one likes me!" "But God! I'm so small!" But I have come to realize that, by saying these things, it is actually saying a lot about my faith in God. By saying, "But God, (excuse here)!" I am really saying, "God, I don't really think you can do this, and I don't trust that you can, either. "
That must seriously break God's heart when we seek out faults in His plan. And His plans are perfect! How distorted is that, though He is perfect in all that He does, we can't even trust Him with our lives? To believe that God can't work through me or you is a lie. Satan has tried so many times to destroy the picture of ourselves God created. And unfortunately, so many of us have fallen for it! We look in the mirror and see a little squirt that sits on the sidelines instead of a warrior ready for battle. We see this incredibly ugly person that God could never do anything with.
I will honestly admit that, very recently, I was so ashamed of myself. I felt incredibly disgusted with who I was. I would pray and just start crying because I felt so small and worthless before God. I am not saying that I am anything worth glorifying, by any means. But one night I began praying and asked God, with tears streaming down my face, "why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so small?" I heard Him say to me, "Shana, it's because you are choosing to listen to those lies." The picture that God painted of me--such a beautiful portrait!--was being splattered with what Satan was whispering in my ears. Not only that, but I was choosing to not trust that God could use me.
I have wasted so many moments in my life because I have believed so many lies. The part that hurts my heart the most about this is wondering what I could have done if I had not thought of myself in such a low esteem. But I must look ahead and strain for the goal that God has set for me and never look behind (Phil. 3:13). I hope that, by saying this, others can see the truth and realize God has called us to do so much. And perhaps you may realize that you are being lied to as well. We are fearfully, wonderfully, and beautifully made in God (Psalm 139:14). We need to grab hold of this and truly believe it! God would not lie to us to make us feel better; there is no way He ever could lie or change His mind about us (Num. 23:19).
So to conclude this entry, I have learned to trust God and believe the truth He has spoken over my life. Some days, it is harder to believe than others. What can I say? I am only human! But I must persevere in this battle so that God's will can be done... and that includes shaping me into a new person.
My life in the past couple of months have been... adventurous, to say the least. God has been doing a lot with me. I am being transformed into this leader that I never thought I would or could be. Where, at points in my life, I was always someone's "sidekick" or hid in someone's shadow, God is calling me to be so much more than that. And I must admit that it is extremely frightening. People are going to be following my example... and that can be an incredible pressure. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "how can I even do this?"
At times, especially in the past, I have been a lot like Moses. I look at myself and say, "but God! How can I do this? I'm terrible at speaking!" Or I make up other excuses. "God! No one likes me!" "But God! I'm so small!" But I have come to realize that, by saying these things, it is actually saying a lot about my faith in God. By saying, "But God, (excuse here)!" I am really saying, "God, I don't really think you can do this, and I don't trust that you can, either. "
That must seriously break God's heart when we seek out faults in His plan. And His plans are perfect! How distorted is that, though He is perfect in all that He does, we can't even trust Him with our lives? To believe that God can't work through me or you is a lie. Satan has tried so many times to destroy the picture of ourselves God created. And unfortunately, so many of us have fallen for it! We look in the mirror and see a little squirt that sits on the sidelines instead of a warrior ready for battle. We see this incredibly ugly person that God could never do anything with.
I will honestly admit that, very recently, I was so ashamed of myself. I felt incredibly disgusted with who I was. I would pray and just start crying because I felt so small and worthless before God. I am not saying that I am anything worth glorifying, by any means. But one night I began praying and asked God, with tears streaming down my face, "why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so small?" I heard Him say to me, "Shana, it's because you are choosing to listen to those lies." The picture that God painted of me--such a beautiful portrait!--was being splattered with what Satan was whispering in my ears. Not only that, but I was choosing to not trust that God could use me.
I have wasted so many moments in my life because I have believed so many lies. The part that hurts my heart the most about this is wondering what I could have done if I had not thought of myself in such a low esteem. But I must look ahead and strain for the goal that God has set for me and never look behind (Phil. 3:13). I hope that, by saying this, others can see the truth and realize God has called us to do so much. And perhaps you may realize that you are being lied to as well. We are fearfully, wonderfully, and beautifully made in God (Psalm 139:14). We need to grab hold of this and truly believe it! God would not lie to us to make us feel better; there is no way He ever could lie or change His mind about us (Num. 23:19).
So to conclude this entry, I have learned to trust God and believe the truth He has spoken over my life. Some days, it is harder to believe than others. What can I say? I am only human! But I must persevere in this battle so that God's will can be done... and that includes shaping me into a new person.
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