Here I am, once again... and no, I'm not torn into pieces. But I have come to realize that I have been carrying this huge burden of stress that I did not even realize until today!
Things have been slowly building up on me. I am struggling in my Calculus class, my camera is officially broken (may it rest in peace), and I honestly feel like I am being constantly kicked down by the world. Maybe my perspective on things are distorted, and that very well may be the case. But despite of that possibility, I find myself staring down at my feet and wondering why I am feeling so overwhelmed by... well, everything.
Anyways, today I broke down and just started crying over my homework (I tend to cry a lot!) because it made no sense to me. At all. I wanted to crumple it up and not even bother with it. I have been so tired of feeling like I am always wrong, specially in math! I want to be right and know that I am. I want that confidence of knowing that I'm doing good.
I have been so tempted to try and do things by performance; not only that, but finding value in people that I cherish as well. I want to look good and do well and have people tell me, "wow, Shana, you are doing such a great job." I love to make people happy. I love to know that people are rooting for me and appreciate what I am doing. But when I do that, I am setting myself up for a HUGE fall. No person in this world is perfect. When I lean upon a person's opinion of me, I'm going to be crushed when they are correcting or critical. I'm not saying that I should never listen a person's correction, because that is stupidity (Prov. 12:1)! But what I am saying is that I need to find my value in God. And it is very easy to slip up when you trust the opinion of your friends. So many times I have felt devalued because a person I love has told me I am not doing something right. That's not just because I am relying on their opinion on me. It is also because I am not depending on God's grace. When I am in tune with the love that God has lavished on me, I find myself so much less stressed out about things. God doesn't want me jumping through hoops so that He can applaud me and I can be content with His approval. God already approves of me, even though I mess up all of the time!
I suppose that I am typing all of this out to remind myself that God really does love me. He cares about me. He wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy. It surprises me how many times I lose sight of this. I think many other people do as well. But I don't have to work my tail off to make God happy. Not only that, but I don't need the acceptance of anyone else. And when I'm relying on God' strength and what He's done for me, all of my stress is washed away.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
My life is for and about God, so I hope that when you are reading my blog entries, you can see a reflection of what He has done in my life and how amazing He truly is. Whether my entries are silly or serious, I want God to be glorified.
1 comment:
Sweet Pea,
You are so VERY hard on yourself. It makes me sad to think that you cry so much. God has blessed me so many, many times through you. I am so very proud of the relationship you have with God and the path you have chosen to walk with our Lord. That is an extremely hard thing to do this day and time, especially for a teenager living in our world today.
God will always carry you when you need His strength and He will walk by your side when you are ready.
I love you so very, very much my sweet baby girl :O)
Mama
Post a Comment