Lately I have been extremely frustrated with people at school. For some, it is slowly becoming where I must love them in Jesus' name rather than by my own choice. People have simply been discouraging me, disappointing me, and have said or done things around me that have scarred my mind. After today, I felt so filthy by the end of the day. I seriously felt like I needed to take a shower and go to bed or something to make myself feel fresh. I must admit that this year, the school has been better than ever, but today was more difficult to get through.
If I could sum up my frustrations into one sentence, it would be this: I wish that people had standards. So many of the kids at my school aren't meeting any sort of expectation. And if they are meeting one, it certainly isn't a very good one! One person was talking amongst their friends behind me today, and the things they were saying... broke my heart. I won't go into details for my sake and your's, but I could tell that this person was choosing to not live up to anything. They were fine with low living and no standards. And their friends were, too! And the thing that bothered me even more is that I knew they knew what was right.
Sometimes I wish I could grab people, shake them by the shoulders, and ask them, "what in the WORLD are you DOING?!" Or maybe even slap a little bit of truth into them so they can get their act straight. Oh, how I wish things were really that easy. It drives me crazy that we all have the freedom to choose sometimes. So many people know for certain what the truth is ... but they choose to ignore it. That bothers me... and I can hardly imagine how upsetting that is for God!
But enough of my ranting. Basically, I am really wanting to see some changes in the school. I know that God is working already in a huge way. Perhaps I will never get to see the fruits of it, but I surely hope that people's hearts will be softened and that they will begin living above the typical teenager.
Saturday
Sunday
10/19/08 - time
Yesterday afternoon, my pastor's family lost a cousin/nephew. I must say that my heart grieves with them and for them because I know their pain, it hurts me to know that they are hurt, and I had been praying for their family member for a few months. I am beginning on this tragic note to make a huge statement: that could have been anyone. That in itself frightens me. It could have been my pastor, it could have been one of my family members, it could have been one of my best friends, and it even could have been me.
But along with this fact comes an even frightening reminder: we don't have much time left on this earth. Time is running out! Either we're going to die, or we (as in the believers) are going to be raptured. And as my friend Mandy puts it, I'm not ready to leave the school, let alone this world, knowing that people are dying on the inside. I especially cannot leave the school knowing that I never did my part as a believer to share the good news. And it's good news indeed! I sure would want someone to tell me that I could prevent eternal suffering. I would want someone to tell me that there's more to life than temporary highs on the things of this world. I would want someone to tell me that there is someone who can take care of everything when that "everything" of mine is falling apart.
There are so many that are so desperate for an answer. And here some of us are, knowing good and well how to solve that internal problem people struggle with throughout their whole lives, never doing anything about it! Does that not break your heart? Because it sure does mine.
To think of how many people I have let slip through my hands because I simply didn't want to speak up, or I told myself that tomorrow would be a better day... and mentally, tomorrow never came. I can think of at least two people who I have lost contact with that I never talked about God with. It hurts to think about them. One of those people are dead, and I'm not sure if they personally knew Jesus or not. It is a question I have to wait to have answered when I'm in Heaven. The other went down a totally different road than I did, and my heart hurts to think about the life they're truly missing out on.
My heart is so broken right now for this world, knowing that some people may never see God's grace because of someone else's selfishness. Who are we, to even take the things God has given us for granted? To forget all that He's done to us? To never even bother to think to talk to someone about God and how good He is. We say so many times that He deserves "all the Glory," but here so many of us are doing nothing to back our praises!
Even though I have been stepping it up, I am sick of sitting idle in any other area of my life. I'm ready to completely step up. I'm ready to use every opportunity of my time to connect with God, minister to people with God, and live the life and the purpose that God has called me to. I want to be a part of His plan. No more of this mentality of God fitting His schedule around me! No more of hoping that God will lay everything out when He is waiting for me to step out! No more waiting! No more of any of these foolish things that hold me back! It's time to reach for that next level.
But along with this fact comes an even frightening reminder: we don't have much time left on this earth. Time is running out! Either we're going to die, or we (as in the believers) are going to be raptured. And as my friend Mandy puts it, I'm not ready to leave the school, let alone this world, knowing that people are dying on the inside. I especially cannot leave the school knowing that I never did my part as a believer to share the good news. And it's good news indeed! I sure would want someone to tell me that I could prevent eternal suffering. I would want someone to tell me that there's more to life than temporary highs on the things of this world. I would want someone to tell me that there is someone who can take care of everything when that "everything" of mine is falling apart.
There are so many that are so desperate for an answer. And here some of us are, knowing good and well how to solve that internal problem people struggle with throughout their whole lives, never doing anything about it! Does that not break your heart? Because it sure does mine.
To think of how many people I have let slip through my hands because I simply didn't want to speak up, or I told myself that tomorrow would be a better day... and mentally, tomorrow never came. I can think of at least two people who I have lost contact with that I never talked about God with. It hurts to think about them. One of those people are dead, and I'm not sure if they personally knew Jesus or not. It is a question I have to wait to have answered when I'm in Heaven. The other went down a totally different road than I did, and my heart hurts to think about the life they're truly missing out on.
My heart is so broken right now for this world, knowing that some people may never see God's grace because of someone else's selfishness. Who are we, to even take the things God has given us for granted? To forget all that He's done to us? To never even bother to think to talk to someone about God and how good He is. We say so many times that He deserves "all the Glory," but here so many of us are doing nothing to back our praises!
Even though I have been stepping it up, I am sick of sitting idle in any other area of my life. I'm ready to completely step up. I'm ready to use every opportunity of my time to connect with God, minister to people with God, and live the life and the purpose that God has called me to. I want to be a part of His plan. No more of this mentality of God fitting His schedule around me! No more of hoping that God will lay everything out when He is waiting for me to step out! No more waiting! No more of any of these foolish things that hold me back! It's time to reach for that next level.
Tuesday
10/14/08 - hmm
I'm not quite sure, exactly, what I want to say in this little entry of mine. If I could describe life, it would currently be described as "strange, but exciting." God has been doing some really cool things, and He's been revealing more and more things to me everyday. Some of those things aren't as... pleasant, for lack of a better word, as other things. Nevertheless, God has been showing me who He is and what He wants me to be. Isn't it so crazy how, when you think you've gotten as deep as you can in God, He reveals more of Himself and shows that you've only seen a glimpse of everything He is! It blows my mind each time.
Lately I have been trying to strain for the powerful, as far as my faith goes. Our youth group leader Amanda challenged us to be more powerful, and I truly took that challenge to heart. Yesterday at lunch I took up prayer requests, along with my friend Mandy... and trust me, that was a pretty big step for me. I thought I was going to cry or throw up (or both!) when I went in front of different tables and asked for prayer requests. When it comes to approaching people... well, I'm definitely not the first person that would come to your mind! I almost felt silly for doing it. I was afraid that no one would take my offer seriously. But the cool thing is that God proved me wrong. I had over a dozen people tell me things that they wanted prayer for. How awesome is that? And I hope that by saying all of this, I'm not bringing any kind of glory to myself. I deserve no credit at all. If I did these things for my sake, for my comfort, and for my satisfaction, then I would have been sitting at my lunch table chit-chatting it up with my friends.
Something else that I as well as some other of my fellow warriors did was prepare signs. Pastor Greg was discussing with us on Friday different things we could do as far as signs go, and I finally got to making them. And the second day we put those signs up... two more poeple joined us to pray! How awesome is God? How faithful is He when we step out? I just cannot wait to see how much more God has in store for me, the prayer group, and our school.
But, aside from all of this, I still have so many things I am developing. There are still so many parts of me that are weak, but I know that God can make my weaknesses strong for Him.
Lately I have been trying to strain for the powerful, as far as my faith goes. Our youth group leader Amanda challenged us to be more powerful, and I truly took that challenge to heart. Yesterday at lunch I took up prayer requests, along with my friend Mandy... and trust me, that was a pretty big step for me. I thought I was going to cry or throw up (or both!) when I went in front of different tables and asked for prayer requests. When it comes to approaching people... well, I'm definitely not the first person that would come to your mind! I almost felt silly for doing it. I was afraid that no one would take my offer seriously. But the cool thing is that God proved me wrong. I had over a dozen people tell me things that they wanted prayer for. How awesome is that? And I hope that by saying all of this, I'm not bringing any kind of glory to myself. I deserve no credit at all. If I did these things for my sake, for my comfort, and for my satisfaction, then I would have been sitting at my lunch table chit-chatting it up with my friends.
Something else that I as well as some other of my fellow warriors did was prepare signs. Pastor Greg was discussing with us on Friday different things we could do as far as signs go, and I finally got to making them. And the second day we put those signs up... two more poeple joined us to pray! How awesome is God? How faithful is He when we step out? I just cannot wait to see how much more God has in store for me, the prayer group, and our school.
But, aside from all of this, I still have so many things I am developing. There are still so many parts of me that are weak, but I know that God can make my weaknesses strong for Him.
Saturday
10/11/08 - finally
I was certain that this blog was going to get deleted. Turns out that you're not allowed to go into details about items you buy, since it's considered advertising... oops! But for anyone who happened to miss out on what I said, God gave me an amazing gift that I am surely going to guard with my life.
Anyways, God (once again!) did something amazing in my life. Last night at youth, we were all praying for each other. I'm always one of those people that will wait last to be prayed for because 1) I want to give everyone else a chance to get what God wants to give them first, and 2) I always have this mentality of "oh, I feel so silly for needing prayer. Shouldn't I have it a little more together than this?" It's always so silly to think like that, because I know good and well that if someone else I knew said they felt like that and didn't want to be prayed for, I would tell them that everyone needs prayer.
But as I was having this internal battle of whether or not to ask for prayer, I feel a tap on my shoulder. And... hey! One of the youth leaders asks if I want some prayer. "Yeah," I say, pretty relieved. So as he's praying for me, God speaks through him. He tells me to "stop stressing out over whether or not you're doing things right." He was telling me to not be so overwhelmed with... well, the thought of doing things right or wrong or whether or not I am doing something right to begin with.
It really hit the nail with the hammer, so to speak. I was getting so consumed with thinking, "okay, God, am I doing this wrong?" and "God, why do I keep messing things up?" and "God, I just want to do things right!"
"Stop it!" God told me. "Stop stressing out so much. Just give it to me." So many times I forget some of the key factors of my relationship with God. One of them is grace. God knows that I mess up. There's no hiding it! I messed up sixteen years ago, I messed up last week, I messed up today, and I'm going to mess up the rest of my life! However, God does not want me to rely on how many times I did well to feel like I am "bought and paid for." And even though I hear about grace and even talk about grace with people sometimes, it is so hard for me to have it penetrate my heart and truly live by it. I am so performance-driven! It is in my blood to want to do a good job and be rewarded. And recently it seriously felt like I was tripping up and doing everything wrong! And then, since I felt like such a failure, I started a thinking pattern that was not very good. But last night, God told me loud and clear to stop thinking that way. It was destroying me on the inside.
Now I feel so much lighter! I know that God has my back wherever I go. When God appoints someone to do something, He's going to be beside them the entire way... if not in front of them, leading the way! I don't have to worry so much about messing up God's plan because, just like God told me last night, if I have an open heart for where God is going to lead me, there's no way I can go wrong. And it's like that for everyone. God doesn't want anyone to feel like we can't do anything... because we can do everything in His strength!
Anyways, God (once again!) did something amazing in my life. Last night at youth, we were all praying for each other. I'm always one of those people that will wait last to be prayed for because 1) I want to give everyone else a chance to get what God wants to give them first, and 2) I always have this mentality of "oh, I feel so silly for needing prayer. Shouldn't I have it a little more together than this?" It's always so silly to think like that, because I know good and well that if someone else I knew said they felt like that and didn't want to be prayed for, I would tell them that everyone needs prayer.
But as I was having this internal battle of whether or not to ask for prayer, I feel a tap on my shoulder. And... hey! One of the youth leaders asks if I want some prayer. "Yeah," I say, pretty relieved. So as he's praying for me, God speaks through him. He tells me to "stop stressing out over whether or not you're doing things right." He was telling me to not be so overwhelmed with... well, the thought of doing things right or wrong or whether or not I am doing something right to begin with.
It really hit the nail with the hammer, so to speak. I was getting so consumed with thinking, "okay, God, am I doing this wrong?" and "God, why do I keep messing things up?" and "God, I just want to do things right!"
"Stop it!" God told me. "Stop stressing out so much. Just give it to me." So many times I forget some of the key factors of my relationship with God. One of them is grace. God knows that I mess up. There's no hiding it! I messed up sixteen years ago, I messed up last week, I messed up today, and I'm going to mess up the rest of my life! However, God does not want me to rely on how many times I did well to feel like I am "bought and paid for." And even though I hear about grace and even talk about grace with people sometimes, it is so hard for me to have it penetrate my heart and truly live by it. I am so performance-driven! It is in my blood to want to do a good job and be rewarded. And recently it seriously felt like I was tripping up and doing everything wrong! And then, since I felt like such a failure, I started a thinking pattern that was not very good. But last night, God told me loud and clear to stop thinking that way. It was destroying me on the inside.
Now I feel so much lighter! I know that God has my back wherever I go. When God appoints someone to do something, He's going to be beside them the entire way... if not in front of them, leading the way! I don't have to worry so much about messing up God's plan because, just like God told me last night, if I have an open heart for where God is going to lead me, there's no way I can go wrong. And it's like that for everyone. God doesn't want anyone to feel like we can't do anything... because we can do everything in His strength!
10/4/08 - whoa!
Tonight we had youth at my church. I will tell you one thing for certain: it was a very, very powerful night tonight. Everything that I experienced tonight can only be described as powerful. God was moving in a powerful way; our prayers for each other and other people in our generation and community were powerful; the anointing, strength, and boldness that was poured out on all of us was powerful.
Sometimes I think people forget the true power in prayer. We shouldn't take any of the time that we spend on our knees or with our eyes closed lightly. It isn't a time to loaf around spiritually. Praying for God to bless you and your family and the missionaries isn't always enough. I really think that God has called Christians--or at least myself--to take the time they spend in prayer as a time to really make a difference. How can I expect my generation to change if I don't take the time to pray for the people in it in a way that not only "blesses them," but protects them, frees them, and leads them?
It is time that people started waking up! I honestly think that the biggest area where we need to be awake is in our prayer. A lot of times I sit back and wonder what kind of things could happen if more people took the time to pray for things and people... myself included. How many times has someone taken the time to complain about something, when they could have spent that time making a difference by dropping to their knees, submitting to God, and letting Him take control ?
But anyways, something else that God revealed to me tonight is that everything that has happened in my past has created me to be who I am now for this moment in time. Knowing that is such an incredible comfort. God has been watching me and leading me throughout my whole life! But that being said, I don't want to be ashamed of what God led me through to get me to this point. Yes, I have sinned time and time again, but God has been able to use the outcome of that for His glory. It is such a beautiful thing to know that, from a bunch of broken pieces of my life, God has shaped them together to create me. I don't want my past to be thrown into my face as something I should be ashamed of or something I should regret. I want to look at my past with a smile and say, "look at how God has pulled me through!"
There are so many other things I could discuss that I have learned tonight, but I am close to snoozing in my chair. I suppose that this will have to continue a later day.
Sometimes I think people forget the true power in prayer. We shouldn't take any of the time that we spend on our knees or with our eyes closed lightly. It isn't a time to loaf around spiritually. Praying for God to bless you and your family and the missionaries isn't always enough. I really think that God has called Christians--or at least myself--to take the time they spend in prayer as a time to really make a difference. How can I expect my generation to change if I don't take the time to pray for the people in it in a way that not only "blesses them," but protects them, frees them, and leads them?
It is time that people started waking up! I honestly think that the biggest area where we need to be awake is in our prayer. A lot of times I sit back and wonder what kind of things could happen if more people took the time to pray for things and people... myself included. How many times has someone taken the time to complain about something, when they could have spent that time making a difference by dropping to their knees, submitting to God, and letting Him take control ?
But anyways, something else that God revealed to me tonight is that everything that has happened in my past has created me to be who I am now for this moment in time. Knowing that is such an incredible comfort. God has been watching me and leading me throughout my whole life! But that being said, I don't want to be ashamed of what God led me through to get me to this point. Yes, I have sinned time and time again, but God has been able to use the outcome of that for His glory. It is such a beautiful thing to know that, from a bunch of broken pieces of my life, God has shaped them together to create me. I don't want my past to be thrown into my face as something I should be ashamed of or something I should regret. I want to look at my past with a smile and say, "look at how God has pulled me through!"
There are so many other things I could discuss that I have learned tonight, but I am close to snoozing in my chair. I suppose that this will have to continue a later day.
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