10/11/08 - finally

I was certain that this blog was going to get deleted. Turns out that you're not allowed to go into details about items you buy, since it's considered advertising... oops! But for anyone who happened to miss out on what I said, God gave me an amazing gift that I am surely going to guard with my life.

Anyways, God (once again!) did something amazing in my life. Last night at youth, we were all praying for each other. I'm always one of those people that will wait last to be prayed for because 1) I want to give everyone else a chance to get what God wants to give them first, and 2) I always have this mentality of "oh, I feel so silly for needing prayer. Shouldn't I have it a little more together than this?" It's always so silly to think like that, because I know good and well that if someone else I knew said they felt like that and didn't want to be prayed for, I would tell them that everyone needs prayer.

But as I was having this internal battle of whether or not to ask for prayer, I feel a tap on my shoulder. And... hey! One of the youth leaders asks if I want some prayer. "Yeah," I say, pretty relieved. So as he's praying for me, God speaks through him. He tells me to "stop stressing out over whether or not you're doing things right." He was telling me to not be so overwhelmed with... well, the thought of doing things right or wrong or whether or not I am doing something right to begin with.

It really hit the nail with the hammer, so to speak. I was getting so consumed with thinking, "okay, God, am I doing this wrong?" and "God, why do I keep messing things up?" and "God, I just want to do things right!"

"Stop it!" God told me. "Stop stressing out so much. Just give it to me." So many times I forget some of the key factors of my relationship with God. One of them is grace. God knows that I mess up. There's no hiding it! I messed up sixteen years ago, I messed up last week, I messed up today, and I'm going to mess up the rest of my life! However, God does not want me to rely on how many times I did well to feel like I am "bought and paid for." And even though I hear about grace and even talk about grace with people sometimes, it is so hard for me to have it penetrate my heart and truly live by it. I am so performance-driven! It is in my blood to want to do a good job and be rewarded. And recently it seriously felt like I was tripping up and doing everything wrong! And then, since I felt like such a failure, I started a thinking pattern that was not very good. But last night, God told me loud and clear to stop thinking that way. It was destroying me on the inside.

Now I feel so much lighter! I know that God has my back wherever I go. When God appoints someone to do something, He's going to be beside them the entire way... if not in front of them, leading the way! I don't have to worry so much about messing up God's plan because, just like God told me last night, if I have an open heart for where God is going to lead me, there's no way I can go wrong. And it's like that for everyone. God doesn't want anyone to feel like we can't do anything... because we can do everything in His strength!